Desire
by The Tangerine
Summary: Roxas has to watch Axel with his girlfriend every day and, as he tries to keep himself together, he knows he is not alone. [AkuRoku. RikuSora].
1. Prologue

**Desire**

**Summary: **Roxas has to watch Axel with his girlfriend every day and, as he tries to keep himself together, he knows he is not alone. [AkuRoku. RikuSora].

**Disclaimer: **Roxas, Axel, Riku, Sora and all other characters belong to Square Enix. Except Pluto. Pluto belongs to Disney.

* * *

**Prologue**

The day felt darker than yesterday, and the day before that, too, even though it was hotter and clearer than before.

I was tired and so, so gloomy. I'll admit it now, I was sulking. And I sulked even more as I watched Axel lightly kiss her nose, and then give her a little peck on the lips before teasingly ruffling her hair. My eyes narrowed as she hugged him quickly, stealthily, just after the bell rang, like sharing a secret moment. She turned to leave and he pulled her by her wrist, spinning her around and circling her waist, bending to kiss her deeply. My eyes caught motion of his tongue inside her mouth, and I unconsciously bit my own lips. She playfully hit his arm and giggled like she was deeply in love before waving goodbye and rushing off to her classroom.

God, I hated her.

What made things worse was that she actually was a good person. She was pretty, but in an undramatic way. I mean, it was natural, she didn't even have to try, with her long black hair flowing over her back and her dark eyes like onyx. She was smart too (amongst the 5 top of our year; I checked) and good at sports. Not to mention her large chest. She was the exact opposite of me.

Axel came strolling to my desk, a goofy smile on his lips. He looked so stupid I wanted to punch him. Luckily, Riku was there, and he spoke before I did anything that would make me regret it later on.

"You could use some discretion, Ax. Not everyone here wants to see you swapping saliva with Tifa," he said jokingly, flicking his long bangs away from his face.

"Nothing you say will get me pissed, Riku. You're just jealous that Tifa likes me instead of you," Axel said, flopping down on top of my desk like it belonged to him. I won't lie; my eyes flickered quickly to his ass before going up to his face, a momentary panic overcoming me. Luckily, Axel was indeed on cloud nine, and he didn't even notice where my eyes had been.

"Oh, yeah, Tifa has always been my secret crush," Riku answered sarcastically, rolling his impossibly aquamarine eyes before grinning.

Here's what I know: Riku, Axel and I have always been friends. We were in the same class since kindergarten, and now that we were on our last year of high school, I'm pretty sure we have beaten some record for longest lasting friendship in the whole city. We always did everything together: studied, watched movies, played and even showered together (but let's not go there. We were kids at the time). On one of our adventures at my house, Riku met my cousin Sora. We were about eight at the time, and ever since I remembered, Axel had always been my favorite person in the whole world. I was too little to understand what that meant, but I was thrilled to know that Riku felt the same thing as I did.

I was embarrassed to tell anyone about my feelings for Axel, because I kept thinking if the three of us were always together, how come Axel was different from Riku? But Riku was the one who approached me first, and said something like this:

"I think Sora is the most beautiful person in the whole world. He is special."

So I gathered my courage and told him that I thought the same thing about Axel. He wasn't disappointed, and by some sort of unspoken agreement, we never told this to anyone else. It was the first secret I ever kept from Axel.

A few years later, when we were old enough to understand what the birds and the bees meant, I realized that me and Riku weren't normal. I mean, while most teenage guys (including Axel) only thought about women, me and him often got together and whined about our lost causes. I had always known Axel liked women and, as for Sora, we were pretty sure he had his eyes on Kairi, his neighbor. She was a good kid, but I'm sure Riku hated her for the same reasons I hated Tifa: they had gotten effortlessly what we could never get.

Axel and Tifa had been together for about two months now. Their relationship progressed quickly. By their first date, they had already gotten to third base (remember when I said that there were no secrets between us?), and homerun was only a matter of time after that. I almost died when, one Monday, Axel showed up with the most stupid and satisfied grin on his face. I wanted to die. God, I hated baseball.

But Tifa was, by no means, his first. There had been others before her, and many repetitions of stupid, satisfied grins. But Tifa was different. Axel really did like her. I saw it in the way he pulled her by the waist and smiled fondly when he thought no one was looking. Or in the way he went nuts thinking about what to get her for her birthday, even though they had been together for only two weeks.

I was going crazy.

Back at the present, I twisted my body and looked at Riku, who was sitting behind me and somewhat glaring at Axel, who was going on about how awesome his last date with Tifa had been. His eyes flickered to mine for a second, and I begged him for something I could never have. He nodded, discreetly, in an action I would've missed if I hadn't been watching him so intently. And then I turned back around to Axel, who was using a whole lot of innuendos and embarrassing hand gestures when describing his last adventures with Tifa in his car.

And then my savior showed up. Our chemistry teacher entered the classroom, a tired expression on his face and impossibly black circles under his eyes. Axel jumped up from my desk and went over to his, all the way across the classroom. Riku snickered behind me and made some comments about how our chemistry teacher surely used chemistry for other illegal uses that certainly did not involve teaching young minds. I laughed softly, with half of my mind somewhere else and the other half trying to hold together that pieces of me. I was so in love with Axel, I was pretty sure I was doomed.

* * *

When classes broke off for lunch, Axel sprinted faster than half of the track & field team. I was just getting up when I noticed that he was no longer in the classroom. Riku didn't say anything, and instead just quietly accompanied me to the rooftop. We usually spent time there, where we could be alone. The door to the rooftop was always locked due to unfortunate accidents that happened a few years ago (desperate students make desperate decisions), but a copy of the key was kept with the students council president. Riku often said that it was a few of the benefits of being the president, so he fished the key out of his pocket and pushed the heavy door open.

The sun hit us straight on the face, and we were blind for a few seconds before shutting the door behind us and sitting heavily on the floor. I got my lunch and offered half of it to Riku, who accepted it without questions.

"Your mom always makes the best food," he said lightly, resting his head on the door and looking up. I admired how the sun made his hair look yellow, but not egg yolk yellow like mine; sunshine in a bottle yellow, and how his skin always glittered when illuminated. I smiled fondly, chewing slowly.

My mom was a cook. She was awesome at that, and always made the best food. Before Axel learned how to appreciate food made by whichever girl he was dating at the time, this used to be his line. He always complimented my mom's lunch, and often ended up eating most of it. But now it was just me and Riku, and he had taken up the role of cheering me up. I wondered how he dealt with it, considered that my cousin was already a handful of problems to him.

"So your house or mine?" He asked suddenly, referring to out after school activities.

"Mine," I said quickly after I swallowed. "Mom is working today and my dad will only come home after ten."

"Got it. Your house is better anyway. Mine has stupid Pluto that won't leave us alone," he said with a fond smile on his face, and I couldn't help but chuckle.

"I like Pluto, he is funny. Wish I had a dog, but with dad's allergy and all that, it's all but impossible."

"Yeah, well, I'd give you Pluto if I could. Stupid dog doesn't know when to back off," Riku said, clearly annoyed, but I knew deep inside that he loved that dog. I remember when he got it from his parents as a birthday present. The joy he felt that day was amazing, and he couldn't stop talking about how little and cute the dog was. Yes, he named it Pluto after the planet, because that's what we had been studying at the time, and he thought it was fitting.

"Don't be mean to him," I lightly punched his arm and he just grinned, eyes half closed and face turned up to the sky. I often asked myself why Riku loved looking up when the day was clear, like this, with few clouds. But everything went crystal-clear when, one day, I overheard him telling Sora that he had eyes the color of the sky.

Did Axel think the same thing about me? Because Sora's eyes and my eyes were exactly the same color, and I always thought Axel's eyes were chrysolite.

Probably not.

"So how's the preparation for the expo going?" Riku suddenly said, attracting my attention. I wondered, briefly, how to answer that.

Truth was, I wasn't even halfway done. I had barely started, and so far I hated how it was turning out. The expo was in a month, and that's all the art club was talking about. I could barely stand it. I guess that's why I had skipped practices for the last two weeks.

So how were preparations going? I just shrugged, unable to tell him that it couldn't be worse.

"I could help you, if you want. Well, not me, but Nami could. She has some really good ideas, once in a while." He offered, aquamarine eyes looking briefly at me.

I smiled fondly, remembering his little sister that had more talent than I could develop in three years of club activities. "Namine is a genius, Ri, but I think I want to do this on my own, you know? If I suck, then I'll know I'm not cut for this."

"You're obviously cut for this," Riku said, flicking his bangs away from his face. "You're just having a block. An artist's block. Is that even possible?" He asked teasingly, nudging me with his elbow.

I laughed, punching him again. "Shut up, Riku!"

We finished the food in silence. In the distance, we could hear the other students all the way down, laughing and playing and yelling. How happy were they, I wondered briefly, when their biggest worries were grades and graduation coming right up? Were any of them as broken hearted as me and Riku? What was their escape route?

Riku leaned his head on my shoulder, in comfortable silence, and I just let him, knowing full well that our minds were elsewhere. How unfair was it. What if the whole world could choose who they'd love? There'd be less suffering, less fights, less people like me and Riku who tried to pick our pieces together and glue them into something that remotely resembled us. I wished I could just close my eyes and nothing of this would be true. Maybe we'd all be better off if we hadn't met each other. I would never have fallen in love with Axel, and Riku would never have met Sora. Was it all my fault?

I sighed deeply, and felt my arm twitching lightly, my fingers clutching around air. I didn't know what I wanted anymore.

And then Riku suddenly spoke. "How do you think Sora is doing?"

It had been three weeks since they last saw each other. Despite living fairly away from each other, Riku and my cousin always found room to meet up. They became good friends very quickly, and even I was amazed with how compatible they were. I breathed slowly, thinking on what kind of answer Riku wanted for that question.

"Happy. I think Sora is happy. He is always happy. What do you think is his secret?" I answered, my eyes fixed ahead. Even without looking at him, I knew Riku was smiling. I felt so nostalgic.

"He is with the love of his life."

"How do you know Kairi is the love of his life? She might not be the one," I said, frowning lightly. "Anyway, Sora was happy before he met het. He was happy even after he met her and before they got together."

"Well, he has always been happy because he liked her at the right moment, when she was already head over heels for him and all he had to do was ask her out. Everything worked out ok for him."

I didn't answer. I knew what kind of answer he was waiting from me, but I could never lie to Riku, so I just pretended that it was fine if I didn't speak.

Instead, I said something else.

"Do you think it'll work out ok for us, too?"

Riku couldn't lie to me either.

* * *

When class ended, Axel quickly came over to my desk, an anxious yet guilty smile on his handsome face. Only he could make these kinds of expressions.

"Hey, Rox! Listen, I know we haven't hung out a lot these past weeks, but," he leaned over my desk, his voice dropping to a whisper, "Tifa called me over to her house today. I can't say no to her. I promise I'll make up to you later this week, ok? You, me and Riku at my place with a bunch of movies. Just like old times. Ok?"

His face was so eager, so excited, he was a child with the newest toy, a businessman with a fancy promotion, he was my whole ground and every tug on my heart. How could I deny him anything?

"No problem, Ax. Go on and have fun. I already had plans with Riku, anyway," I said with a light shrug, putting on the best smile I could.

His green eyes flickered quickly over to Riku before setting back on me. He smiled as well, his sharp canines touching his bottom lip. "Right. So next week, ok? I'll tell you the day!" He didn't wait for my answer before turning back and rushing out of the classroom. I could see her silhouette outside of the classroom, waiting for him. He grabbed her hand and planted a hard kiss of her mouth before walking away.

My mouth felt bitter. Riku touched my arm lightly when he got up, and I followed him without a word.

The walk to my house was silent. I lived close by, about 10 minutes walking, but on days like these, it felt like an eternity. I wondered if Riku felt the same thing. He didn't say anything, eyes always ahead of him. With each and every step, all I could think of was red. I wondered if all he could think about was the sky above us. I didn't feel guilty about it all, and I knew he didn't, either. We were just trying to hold each other together.

My house was quiet as we got in. As we took off our shoes, I called out for my mom and dad, just to make sure we were really alone.

"Hey, do you want water or something? Are you hungry?" I asked casually, following our carefully planned script. I tried to act as normal as possible. I was detaching my mind from my body.

Riku shook his head lightly. "No, it's fine."

I smiled, stepping inside. Riku followed, and his fingers gently brushed mine. I bit the inside of my mouth, and let him tug me up the stairs, all the way to my bedroom, recreating the steps we have taken so many times before.

He quietly shut the door behind us, and looked at me for a few seconds, his hand brushing my face almost gently. I closed my eyes, and before I could take an intake of breath, his lips were on mine.

His mouth was soft and warm, like I remembered it, and his tongue traced my bottom lip for a second before going inside me, brushing against my teeth, the roof of my mouth, my bitten cheek, my tongue.

He was nameless now. I was nameless. We were just being, inside my bedroom, alone, in a world where what happened outside didn't matter.

He calmly took off my jacket, dropping my bag and his on the floor on the process. I sighed quietly, tongue battling against his. I took a step towards the bed but he stopped me with a hand on my waist. It didn't stay still for long, and soon it was roaming over my body, going over my chest, my neck, the back of my head. My warms wrapped around his neck, pulling him close, just wanting to _feel_. His hands were on the bottom of my shirt, fluidly pulling it over my head with lots of practice. I shivered against the cold, but soon his arms were there to warm me.

His hands travelled up my chest, soon finding the hard peaks on my chest. He played with them, tugging and twisting gently, but urgently. I moaned lightly, pressing harder against him. "More," I breathed, throwing my head back.

He didn't waste any time, and his lips found my neck, sucking gently, biting, licking, kissing. It was almost tender, and I shivered. I quickly grew impatient and roughly tugged his shirt off, discarding it on the floor along with mine. His chest was warm, warmer than mine, and I embraced him tightly, my nails digging on his back when he bit my neck in a particularly hard way.

His hands found the button of my pants, and he quickly unmade it, pushing the zipper down as well. The sound briefly filled the quiet bedroom, and I clutched his hair in my hands. He dropped my pants to the floor, and pulled my lightly with him, effectively getting me out of them. His hand rubbed my thighs, sending shivers down my spine and causing goose bumps to arise. I moaned quietly again, biting my own tongue to keep quiet.

"Bed," I whispered huskily, already feeling my blood rush south. He chuckled lowly, groping my ass quickly before running his hands down and lifting me by my thighs. I circled his waist with my legs and, still clutching his hair, brought his face down to mine, kissing him roughly, the familiar hunger starting to overcome me.

He kissed me eagerly, battling me for dominance, taking a few steps across the room before landing on my bed, setting me down almost gently before towering over me. We broke the kiss briefly, and he looked over me for a few second, his eyes searching mine. I don't know what he saw, but I saw chrysolite.

My hands ran over his back, finding the new crescent moon bumps I recently made. I continued downwards, finding the denim fabric of his pants. My fingers circled his waist just as he bent down to my neck again, licking and biting and sucking all over again. I found his desire through the thick fabric, and he moaned as I squeezed him. He was already as hard as I was.

"You're teasing," he whispered, his voice a growl of desire. I smirked, squeezing him again. As a reaction, he bit my shoulder particularly hard, and I knew he had just broken the skin and drawn blood.

My fingers started shaking as I undid his pants and started lowering it with his underwear. He didn't waste any time, and got away from me in order to finish undressing himself. He also moved his hands over to my waist, swiftly pulling my underwear out as well.

I should have felt embarrassed, being as exposed as I was, but I wasn't. It was comforting, especially seeing that he was as excited as I was. He climbed slowly up to me, planting ghost kisses on me as he went up, on my knees, the inside of my thighs, my hips. My heat was so close to his face I could feel his breath ghosting the little trail of hair I had there.

He chuckled lightly when he saw me twitch and, before I could say some nasty comment, he got to business. His tongue traced a line from the base of my erection all the way to the tip, where he put special attention the slit, his hands going to the rest of the length and jerking me almost lazily. I closed my eyes, squeezing them hard as I let out a loud moan. He hummed jokingly as he swallowed me, creating pressure as he went up and down, slowly, like we had all the time in the world.

I was feeling the familiar heat on my skin growing fast, my stomaching getting knots and twisting crazily. It hadn't been that long, but I was so frustrated. I wasn't going to last long, especially considering how good he was, so I clutched my hands on his hair, hard, and called to him, breathlessly.

"H-Hey," I stammered, my voice low even to my ears. "Wait! W-Wait," I called again, and gave a particularly rough pull on his hair.

"Ow!" He said, kind of annoyed, but I was just glad I got his attention. I smiled sheepishly, and motioned for him to come closer. When he was on my eye level, I put my legs around his waist and, in a quick movement, inverted out positions.

"Eager, are we?" He teased, thumb gently stroking my cheek.

I wasn't eager, I was frustrated. I couldn't handle this anymore. I just wanted to forget. I smiled at him again and gave him a light peck on the nose, then on the lips, before lowering my hips on his.

He hissed and closed his eyes, and I saw that he was biting his tongue in order to keep quiet. I loved having this power over him. I wiggled my hips slowly, feeling his length stroke against mine. He was bigger than I was, and his warmth was impossibly delicious against me.

"Scream for me, and I'll scream for you," I said teasingly. _That_ got his attention, and he opened his eyes to look at me. I grinned, and thrust hard against him. He moaned loudly, and I followed closely.

His hands clutched my hips, surely causing bruises. But I didn't care. The pleasure was way stronger and more important than the pain of his fingers on my skin. I thrust again and again and again, going blind with his moans filling my ears. I was pretty loud, too, and soon his hips were imitating my movements, going against me. My stomach twisted and turned, taking me over the edge.

He bit my shoulder when he came, spilling on our stomachs, and I briefly followed him, only adding to mess.

I was exhausted after, my legs shaking, barely able to hold my weight, and I fell on top of him. My skin prickled with my post orgasm, and his arms pulled my close, resting against my back.

I knew that, in that moment, we could pretend that I was his sky and he was my flame.

* * *

**Why, hello there. Long time no see, huh?**

**I was in the mood to write some angst story. I think Riku and Roxas are the perfect pair to do this, don't you?**

**But don't worry; this story still has some twists and turns of its own, though I don't plan on it being very long.**

**This is just a prologue. If everything goes along with my plans, I'm pretty sure the next chapters will be longer. Hopefully.**

**Well, tell me what you think! Hope you all liked it.**

**Kisses, hugs, and play safe!**

**Tangerine.**


	2. Black

**Desire**

**Summary: **Roxas has to watch Axel with his girlfriend every day and, as he tries to keep himself together, he knows he is not alone. [AkuRoku. RikuSora].

**Disclaimer: **Roxas, Axel, Riku, Sora and all other characters belong to Square Enix. Except Pluto. Pluto belongs to Disney. Also, none of the songs stated here belong to me.

* * *

**Black**

"_I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky, but why can't it be mine?" Pearl Jam - Black_

* * *

We first met her on our first day of high school. She was new at school, and, coincidentally, on all of our classes. I vaguely noticed that she was pretty, but didn't consider her a threat because she had blue eyes and was tall, almost as tall as him, and she was a geek. Not at all like the girls he used to date in middle school.

But I guess it's true when they say that high school changes people, and it was no different with him. She didn't like him at first, always complaining that he was nosy and too loud and too self-centered and too stupid. He was all of that and much more.

It's also true when they say that, what you can't have, you want the most. And because he couldn't have her, he wanted her.

I often told me that there were plenty of girls that practically threw themselves at his shoes, I shouldn't be concerned about this obsession of his, it would go away just as quickly as it had come.

I had never been so mistaken in my life. It was Aqua that he wanted, and it was Aqua that he got.

It started slow, in the beginning. He threatened a few students in order to be in her studies group in each and every subject. He made a point of going out of his way to go to the school's swimming competitions just to see her. He cheered for her and congratulated her whenever she won (which was quite frequent). And he always studied with her at the library whenever he didn't have club practices. She was all he could talk about.

At the time, Riku and I hadn't started our strange relationship. Most of what we did was get together at one of our houses, drink all the beer we could find and whine to each other.

It did start, however, three months after Axel and Aqua became a couple.

They were discreet at first. She didn't want to make a fuss about how they finally became a couple, but Axel wasn't exactly discreet, per se, and within a week the whole school knew how he had offered her a bouquet with 12 white lilies, kneeled down and asked her to be his girlfriend.

So there was nothing else to hide, and their PDA became even more frequent and less PG-safe over time. I lost count on how many times his hands wandered to inappropriate places of her body when they were making out, or how many insinuations he dropped around her. She usually got mad whenever this happened, but the gleam in her eyes and the way she would guiltily bite her lips betrayed her.

But they still hadn't done anything. From what Axel told me, the farthest they had gotten was this one time they had fumbled with other, but with clothes on.

I had never gotten as drunk as I had that day.

But everything came crashing down shortly after. It was March, the 18th, and it was a pleasant day. Axel, Riku and I had plans of going over to Axel's place and playing pool, and I was satisfied that, for the first time in three weeks, I was going to have Axel for a whole day.

Things, of course, didn't go my way when he came strolling inside the classroom with a guilty smile on his face. On our first year of High School, Axel sat right behind me and Riku sat on his right, so it was easy for the three of us to talk. When he sat down, I immediately turned to my right so that we could talk.

"What's that expression on your face? You look stupid. Be carefully not to get frozen like that," Riku warned teasingly. At the time, his hair wasn't as long as it currently was, so his short locks were pulled away from his face in a short ponytail.

"It's spring, dumbshit. I'm just in a really good mood," he seemed completely unaffected, the smile still on his lips. I licked my own, unconsciously, and quirked an eyebrow at him.

"So what happened, exactly?" I asked, half curious and half afraid of what the answer would be. Axel merely shrugged, like it was nothing, and said he wanted to speak with us during lunch.

The next hours were torture to me. I could barely focus on what the teachers were saying without beating myself to death thinking about what had happened to Axel to leave him like that. I knew all of his expressions, every single one of them, but that one was new. He looked happier, more in peace with himself. More mature. I felt like he was walking away from me, leaving me behind.

By the time we were on the roof for lunch, I had broken the skin of my lip and blood came out freely, taking a long time to heal. The bleeding had just stopped when the bell rang, and I knew my lips were red from the bruise. Luckily, neither Axel nor Riku said anything about it.

"So, spit it out, Ax. You're walking around with that goofy grin on your face since you arrived," Riku said just as the heavy door closed behind us. Axel stretched lazily, his shirt hiking up and showing bits of skin. I couldn't help it when my eyes darted downward and then upward again. My cheeks heated up and I hoped against all hopes that he hadn't noticed it.

"Sit your buttocks, guys. This is epic," he ordered, and both Riku and I knew he wouldn't start talking unless we obeyed him. I wasn't sure I wanted to know what had happened to leave him like that, but I sat down anyway, right next to Riku. Axel paced around in front of us, going back and forth, the smile on his face growing larger and larger by the second. I looked at Riku out of the corner of my eyes and he did the same, and in that split second that our eyes met, we knew nothing good would come out of this.

"So, yeah, if you could hurry up, Ax, I'm hungry and I'd like to run over to the cafeteria before lunch time is over," Riku sighed impatiently, arching his eyebrow. Axel looked straight at him and, before any of us could do or say anything, he blurted out:

"I slept with Aqua."

I went fishing with my parents once. I was five, and we were in the middle of this huge lake, the three of us, in a single boat. All we had with us were our fishing rods, bait and a bucket. It was a beautiful day, and I felt content and at peace. However, my calmness was about to change. Everything happened a little too fast, but I do remember that my mother caught a fish in her rod, and my father turned sharply to help her pull the fish towards our boat, and in that second of confusion and excitement and yelling, I fell in the water.

It was cold and dark and so, so big. So vast and large and I was just a spot in the middle of it all. I almost didn't exist, compared to the whole complexity that was the lake. I didn't know how to swim at the time, so I just stayed there, completely frozen, sinking sinking sinking. I couldn't breathe anymore, and my oxygen was running low, but I wasn't afraid. I was breathless and calm and completely resigned that this was it. The lake was huge and I was part of the lake and that was when the story of Roxas Aaron Ansley would come to an end.

When I woke up, it was hours later, and I was in a hospital bed with my mom crying her heart out by my side and my dad with the saddest and most guilty expression I had ever seen him with. They caught the fish after a couple of minutes, and that's when they noticed I was missing. Two minutes later, I was out of the lake and my father was as drenched as I was. Luckily, no damage had occurred except for a whole lot of water in my lungs. But I was fine.

When Axel told me he had slept with Aqua, I was in the lake all over again. Only, this time, my parents weren't there to pull me out. I was sinking in the infinite coldness and I was left feeling completely calm and detached from the world.

The following details of the conversation were lost to me. My body was there, but my mind was far away, toying with the possibility of a world where nothing went wrong for me. I nodded when Axel looked excitedly at me, and I gently smiled when he talked on and on, gesturing crazily with his hands and grinning like a goof. I did what anyone expected me to do. I looked happy for him, and I looked like I hadn't just lost half of my heart and had the other half trying to hold itself together.

When lunch was over, I did a quick check with myself and I knew I couldn't be around Axel. I needed to be alone. I wouldn't be able to pretend for a whole day, I knew I would break down and ruin everything.

So when we were going down the stairs and back to the classroom, I spoke up. "Hey, guys? My mom asked me to help her at the restaurant today so I can't go. Maybe another time?" I asked with a hopeful smile, trying to mask up all the negative feelings I had inside me.

"Aw, damn. I can't this week, though. Me and Aqua already have plans," Axel said, a sheepish smile tugging at his lips. I nodded briefly, as if it was ok.

"Don't worry, Ax. Next week we can try something, 'kay?"

"Yeah! Next week. I'll save a day for you guys."

I was glad that Axel didn't notice anything strange, but as Riku took a couple more seconds to turn around and keep on walking, I knew he had seen right through me.

* * *

During classes, Axel texted Aqua about his recent change of plans and now they were going to meet up in the afternoon. I pretended not to hear his fingers loudly punching the keys, and I completely ignored his dreamy expression whenever I turned around to face him. I was already so on the edge, I couldn't stand it. When I thought I would snap, the final bell finally rang, and Axel gave us both a quick goodbye before jumping over to Aqua's table and leaving with her.

I stared longingly after both of them, their fingers entwined tightly, her soft laugh and his husky voice loud inside my ears even though the hallway was packed with students.

I started leaving the classroom after saying a quick goodbye to Riku, not in the mood to be with anyone else, when he reached me and gently grabbed my wrist. "Come to my house," he said, his eyes as serious as I had ever seen. I wondered, briefly, if he was afraid of what I might do if I was alone. I had no idea of what I might do. "Please?" He pushed when I didn't answer, and I didn't know if it was because Riku was the safest thing I had at the time, or if his pleading eyes begged for more than I could give, but I nodded.

We took the bus over to his house, and the thirty minutes it took us to get there felt like an eternity. We didn't speak, we didn't look at each other, we barely breathed. We both knew that things would never be the same again, that our friendship had lost its easiness, its flow. It was hard to be a trio when one part of the group was straying so far away. A tripod couldn't stand up with one less leg, and it certainly couldn't survive when one of the two remaining parts was crumbling to pieces.

He led me inside, gently, when we arrived, and took me straight to the kitchen. I sat on one of the high chairs by the island and he proceeded to warm up some water for tea. I was vaguely aware of Pluto barking in the backyard, but Riku made no motion of letting him into the house.

"So…" he started, his back to me and his attention focused on sorting out the tea bags. I didn't know where he wanted to go, what he wanted to accomplish. At the moment, I couldn't care less about the world.

I didn't answer, and he didn't continue either. We just let the silence fill the house. I wondered briefly where his parents and sister were, but I didn't have the energy to ask, so I just stayed quiet, the sound of boiling water slowly reaching my ears.

"Talk to me, Roxas," Riku ordered, reaching two mugs from one of the cupboards and finally turning around to face me.

"What is there to say, Riku?" I asked sarcastically. I hadn't meant for it to come out so mean, and his pained expression made my heart ache. "I'm sorry. I can't think right now. I don't want to think right now. Can I just disappear?"

He looked at me for a few seconds, and I noticed that some strands from his hair were coming out of the ponytail and gently adorning his face. He licked his lips and set the mugs on the countertop. "No. Stay with me, Rox."

It felt good to be needed, to be someone's rock. I wanted to be that to Riku, just as he was trying to be to me. But how could I, when I wasn't steady enough to support even myself?

"Riku…" I called gently, and he stared at me, waiting for me to continue. I didn't want to talk about Axel, and I didn't want to talk about me, and I didn't want to remember that tomorrow everything would start all over again. "What do we do?"

"I don't know, Rox," he whispered back, lifting his slender fingers to brush aside a few of silver locks that were in front of his eyes. "We just wait."

It was so simple. I wish it could all be like that. "And wait for it to get better?" I asked back, and he didn't answer me. We both knew where this was going. Aqua was only the first. She surely wouldn't be the last.

"Roxas, you can't expect…" He didn't finish his sentence, but I knew what he was going to say. _You can't expect Axel to fall in love with you._ I wanted to scream at him that he couldn't hope for Sora to love him either, but it was childish and cruel and I couldn't lose Riku, too.

"I'm just trying to find some light in my life, Riku." I hated how weak I sounded, how lonely, how desperate. This couldn't be it. There had to be a way out. Everything had two options, two doors. I just couldn't see where to run off to anymore. Axel kept pushing more and more weight on my shoulders, and I was barely standing up anymore.

The teakettle whistled loudly, and Riku turned his back to me to turn off the oven. My lips were suddenly very, very dry, and my bruise stung when I licked it. Riku was pouring the water on the mugs, the tea bags floating in the water, while I was sinking endlessly. I needed a way out. Desperately.

"Riku, come here…" I called softly, and he immediately set the teakettle back on the oven before coming to my side. I was almost his height, sitting on the bench, and I looked him straight in the eyes without having to turn my head up. He looked straight at me, too, and when I hugged him tightly, he didn't waste any second before holding me, too.

I didn't realize I was crying until my cheek pressed against Riku's wet shirt. I sobbed loudly, crying even more when I realized I couldn't hold it in anymore. Riku hugged me impossibly tight, my ribs screaming at the pressure, but I didn't complain. I needed someone to hold me to the ground. I was tired of sinking.

After a few minutes, I had calmed down, and I slowly let him go, my forehead pressing against his chest for a few seconds before I lifted my head. Our faces were so incredibly close; I could see that his eyes weren't exactly blue, nor really green. It was a mixture of both colors, a twirl of calmness that soothed my heart. I sighed deeply, my cheeks already dry but heating up with everything that I had bottled up: my love for Axel, my resentment, my anger, jealousy, tiredness. I wanted to escape so bad, I was desperate. And Riku, again, saw right through me.

"Riku…" I whispered, but I couldn't finish my sentence.

He kissed me.

Or I kissed him. Or both of us moved at the same time. I didn't know who started it, but his lips were soft and warm against my wet ones. Our kiss tasted like salt, and we touched each other so gently it felt like we were going to crumble at any minute.

It was my first kiss, and it was nothing like I had hoped it would be, but it was what I needed at the time.

His gentle fingers were at the nape of my neck, toying with the little hairs I had there, and I gently tucked a few strands of hair behind his ear. He breathed deeply through his nose when he opened his mouth, and I mimicked his motion, our tongues meeting almost shyly. It was so bittersweet that my heart ached sweetly. We were broken and lonely and sad, and that's how our kiss was.

When we broke apart, we didn't step back from each other, our noses bumping lightly and a little trail of saliva between our lips.

Riku was the first to speak.

"Roxas, I…"

But I was the one to start this.

I pressed my lips gently against his and, without pulling away, I whispered, "More".

It's funny how one single word could change everything. But now that I think about it, it was more of the tone in which I said it. Riku and I had known each other for so long; it was obvious that he could listen to more than what I said. And it happened like this: one word and we were both doomed.

His fingers found mine and wounded tightly before tugging me to my feet and dragging me to the upper floor, all the way to his bedroom. He shyly closed the door, and gently touched my neck, his thumb resting just below my ear, where my jaw started. I felt a shiver run down my spine, and my eyes closed on instinct, just before he kissed me again.

We fell slowly on the bed, him holding the small of my back and me pulling him by the neck so that we wouldn't break the kiss.

We didn't stop kissing for a second. Our shirts didn't come off that day. He touched my jeans hesitantly just as I touched his. We were synchronized when the zippers were pulled down, and our breaths hitched when we took hold of each other.

It was like our kiss. Bittersweet, unpracticed, and ended up too fast. But with every pull and stroke and moan that he swallowed from me, I felt like I was coming to the surface. I wasn't cold anymore, or wet or alone in the whole immensity that was the lake. Riku was with me. I could count on him.

That night, I slept on his house, right next to him on the bed. He clung to me like I was his lifeline, and I did the same to him. We didn't speak much after what happened, but we knew it had changed our friendship forever.

That night, I dreamt of chrysolite at the bottom of the lake, the place I had never reached.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **End Flashback** XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As Axel had promised, he did save a day for us later that week. On Thursday, the three of us got into his car, an old red convertible mustang. It was flamboyant, obviously, but what Axel felt for that car was more than love. He got it after a deal with his father that, if he aced all of his tests on second year of high school, his father would buy him a car. He did, and his father got him this really beaten up mustang. Axel worked his ass off during summer to get enough money and fix the car. I have to say, he did a good job on it, and I loved the car as well.

I was sitting at the passenger seat right beside Axel, with Riku on the back seat. A loud rock song was playing, but the wind was really strong and the music was muffled. I was feeling content and at peace. Axel's red hair was being blown by the wind, floating freely over his back. I looked at him out of the corner of my eyes, admiring how beautiful he looked. He was lazily clutching the wheel with his right hand and his left hand was resting on top of the door, idly drumming against the car. I smiled to myself and relaxed, enjoying that today would be only the three of us.

About twenty minutes later, we got to Axel's house. The drive had been mostly silent due to the strong wind, but it was comfortable and nice to just be in each other's company. Axel parked the car in the garage and we got up the front steps. It had been so long since I last came to his house, but it looked exactly as I remembered it. The walls were still painted the soft beige color, and a huge plasma TV still sat in the middle of the living room, like a trophy, with an X-Box by its feet. The couches were the same dark brown tone, extremely comfortable looking, and a glass center table was positioned elegantly between the couch and the TV.

I breathed in the scent of the house, smelling burnt wood, fire and everything else that made Axel who he was. I sighed contently and sat by the couch without waiting for an invitation.

"You have the most comfortable couch in the whole world," I sighed contently, letting myself be swallowed by the furniture. It was so huge and I was so small, I realized I must have looked ridiculous.

Axel laughed at the sight, going straight to the kitchen (where only a kitchen counter separated the kitchen from the living room, so he would still be able to see us). "Yeah. I know how furniture is the only reason you come over," he teased lightly, and I heard him opening the fridge.

Riku sat down by my side, sinking almost gracefully on the couch. I often wondered to myself why everything Riku did felt theatrical, like watching an actor in another dimension. He smiled at me when his eyes met mine, and I smiled back. "That's not fair. I also come here for your giant, amazing plasma TV. And your videogame."

I heard him snort and soon he was in my line of vision. I broke eye contact with Riku just as Axel was handing me a coke. He gave one to Riku as well before opening his own can and taking a swallow out of it. "You flatter me, Roxy," he arched an eyebrow, using my childhood nickname. I smiled sheepishly, but saw the way he suspiciously glance from me to Riku and back to me again. "Move over, silver boy. You already had your Roxy time this week. My turn now."

I was shocked when Axel snuggled himself between me and Riku, almost sitting on my lap on the process and elbowing Riku so that he would move further away. I laughed shortly, also moving to the side to give Axel more room, all the while trying very hard not to blush. I slowly took a sip of my coke as Axel quickly glanced over to me, trying to hide the faint red that was certainly adorning my cheeks. He grinned at me before bending over to the center table to pick up the TV remote.

In that split second that Axel was bended, I glanced over at Riku, my eyes wide, and he gave me an annoyed look that also managed to look amused. He grinned at me, encouragingly, before Axel had straightened back up.

"So," he started as he turned on the TV. "I got the new Paranormal Activity movie. Any complaints? No? Awesome," he said that very quickly as he already hit play on the movie, not leaving any room for complaints. Axel knew, however, that I absolutely hated horror movies. They had terrified my since always, but he never failed to find clever ways for getting me into watching them. I openly glared at him, but he pretended not to notice as he kept his green eyes very firmly fixed on the TV.

"Axel, you jerk!" I yelled at him, punching him in the arm. He didn't flinch, however, and I hadn't used that much force anyway. "You _know_ I hate these kinds of movies. Take it out!"

He seemed unaffected by it, and smiled innocently, still looking at the screen. "Oh, you do? My bad, Rox! But this is the only movie I have that I haven't already watched." His voice sounded way too guilty, and of course I knew he had done this on purpose. God, he annoyed me so much sometimes.

"Axel, come on! We can do something else! Like play with your stupid X Box," I said angrily, crossing my arms over my chest. Riku was looking amused as he stared at both of us, a small smirk on his pale face.

Axel looked thoughtful for a moment, and I had a spark of hope that I had done it. But of course not. Once Axel was dead set on something, he got it, no matter what. "Well, I suppose we could play the new Silent Hill game…"

"Axel!" I cried out exasperatingly, and looked over to Riku, clearly begging for help.

"Keep me out of this," he raised his hand defensively in front of his chest, his voice clearly amused.

"Traitor!" I yelled at him, then glared back at Axel, who was grinning like he had just won the lottery. "And you!" I pointed my finger at him. "You…!" I didn't know what to say, and Axel looked at me before bursting out laughing, only causing me to blush. Jesus fucking Christ, why did I love this idiot?

"Awww, come on, Roxy! It's just hard to be afraid when you make that face. You have the most adorable baby face ever, and those blue eyes of yours don't really help!" He tried snuggling close to me, but I only moved farther away from him until the couch's armrest prevented any more movement.

"Stay away from me, jerk," I muttered, my arms still crossed and my eyes locked ahead.

"Don't pout, Roxy!" Axel said teasingly, totally ignoring my plea and getting closer to me, slowly, his leg brushing against mine before his chest was flush against my arm. I tried to ignore how warm he felt, or how firm his chest was, or good he smelled, but it was really getting harder and harder as the seconds ticket by.

"I'm not pouting," I said stubbornly, and realized that I had only affirmed what he said. That only made me blush even more.

Axel chuckled deeply, his voice really close to my ear. I felt goose bumps rise on my skin. "You are!" He called in a sing song voice before slipping his arm behind my shoulders and pulling me close. "Don't be mad, Roxy, I was only teasing! Come on, you can hide your face against me if something scary shows up. I'll even cover your ears for you!" I knew he was only trying to be helpful, but there was nothing helpful in the way he pressed me hard against his ribs, his fingers gently stroking my hair and occasionally brushing against my scalp. My eyes frantically searched for Riku, and when I met him, he wore the most complicated expression I had ever seen him with.

* * *

Do I really have to say that the next one and half hour was torture to me? Not only because of the movie, but also because of Axel. Whenever we sensed that something was about to happen, Axel would "helpfully" bury my head in his chest and cover my ears. I breathed in his scent every time, deeper and deeper, until all I could smell was him. My heart was beating loudly against my ears whenever he covered them, but I prayed to all that was divine that he couldn't be able to feel it. My ears were warm whenever he touched them, and I could still feel his fingers even when he stopped touching me.

I was pretty sure my heart wasn't going to survive a day past today.

When the movie was over, I regretfully but quickly got away from Axel, straightening myself on the couch with all the tension I was feeling. He didn't seem to notice, though, and cheerfully turned off the DVD and put the TV to a random channel.

"Well, that was fun," he said distractedly, picking up his cell phone and checking for messages.

"Yeah, I think Rox agrees with you," Riku answered quickly, giving me a short glance. I looked over to him as well but didn't smile. My whole body was still feeling like jelly given what had happened the past minutes.

Axel got up from the couch, stretching deeply and letting a quiet sight escape his mouth. "Shut up. Rox loved it, right?" He turned his head to my direction, his back still turned to me, and gave me a side grin. I blushed so, so deeply that I was sure I would die from too much blood on my brain. My reactions were getting harder and harder to control as each day passed, and I was terrified that one day Axel would notice them.

Luckily, today wasn't the day. He turned back around right after talking to me and muttered something about going to his bedroom to grab something he needed. He got up the stairs quickly, two steps at a time, and I just melted on the couch.

"Holy flying fuck, I can't do this anymore." My eyes were wide, staring into nothingness, and I felt the couch shift as Riku slid closer to me. I looked briefly over to him, noticing his hard expression and worried eyes.

"Tell me about it. Axel really has no idea what he is doing," he commented quietly, his eyes darting up the stairs before coming back to me.

"I hope he _doesn't_ have an idea of what he is doing. He can't find out, Ri," I said, aware that my voice was starting to sound very panicky.

Riku looked at me for a few seconds, licking his lips briefly, before nuzzling his nose into my hair and taking a deep breath. "You smell just like him," he caressed my cheek before pulling away, but not much. I could feel his warm breath on my face.

I choked out a laugh, grinning a little at him. "Yeah," I whispered softly, lightly bumping my forehead against his. "Maybe I need a shower." I tried to sound casual as I said it, but my voice came out more strained that I had hoped.

He wrinkled his nose playfully, but quickly slid as far away from me as possible when we heard footsteps down the stairs. Axel showed up again and headed straight for the X Box, throwing one control over to me and picking up the other one.

"Ok, so loser's gonna have to buy Sea Salt Ice Cream for everyone," he strolled back to the couch, sitting again between Riku and I. I bit my lower lip thoughtfully when I saw the Tekken logo come up on the screen, but shrugged it off when I realized it would probably take a long time for Axel to manage up another day for us. I'd probably lose the match, but Axel might also forget about the bet by the time he had time to go for it.

I sighed helplessly as we played a few matches, three in total. I lost all of them. Axel grinned triumphantly and then handed my control over to Riku, who won two out of three. In the end Axel was huffing a bit, saying that Riku had cheated, but the truth was he was just a terrible loser. I grabbed the control when he handed it over to me and both Riku and I sat on the floor for more comfortable game playing. Axel kept sitting on the couch and, by the time the game ended, I had won a grand total of 0 times. Riku was the winner, having lost only once.

"Sorry, man. Seems like you owe me an ice cream," he said, and his tone made it clear he wasn't sorry.

I rolled my eyes and got up to turn off the video game. "Jerk," I muttered, right before turning around and seeing Axel fast asleep on the couch, sitting up straight but with his head fallen back. I smiled softly at the sight, just as Riku was getting up.

"I'm hungry. Want something?" Riku asked suddenly, heading over to the kitchen. I looked at him briefly before shaking my head as a 'no'. He merely shrugged and continued on his way, leaving me with Axel.

I sat on the couch next to him, slowly, afraid that I might wake him up, but Axel was a heavy sleeper and he didn't even move. I sat there, still as a statue, my back resting comfortably against the soft cushions. I noticed that his hand was resting beside his leg, palm up, right next to me. I glance at it quickly before returning my eyes over to his sleeping face. He was breathing slowly, softly. He couldn't possibly be awake. I looked back at his hand.

Slowly, carefully, and very quietly, I touched my fingertips to his open palm. His fingers twitched slightly, and my eyes darted over to his face. He was still sleeping and he mumbled something, his head lolling a bit to the side, facing me. I swallowed hard and, still looking at his face, pressed my palm against his. He sighed quietly, almost in a content way, and his fingers very lightly pressed against the back of my hand, as if trying to hold it. My heart swelled at the action, and I slowly imitated him, closing my fingers around his hand.

I stayed there, motionless, watching his sleeping face. He looked relaxed and so, so handsome. I licked my lips, my eyes darting quickly over to his mouth, slightly open and breathing slowly. He was right there. I could kiss him quickly, and he wouldn't even know it. He hadn't wakened up when I grasped his hand. He couldn't possibly wake up if I kissed him. It would be so easy, I just had to lean up slightly, and it would be done.

I licked my lips again, totally tempted. I wondered what he would taste like, if his lips were as soft and warm as his hand against mine. Right then, I felt it was a risk totally worth being taken. He would never know, and I would at least have felt his lips against mine one time. I could die in peace after that. I looked at our joined hands and back at his face. I could pretend that this was mutual. No one would ever know.

"Don't."

Riku's voice startled me, and I immediately let go of Axel's hand, feeling guilty and cornered and ashamed. I lowered my head, staring at my lap. My hand that had been grasping Axel's was warm and prickling. I missed his touch already.

"Riku…" I said pleadingly, not daring to look up at him. I saw his body out of the corner of my eyes, very close to me, but I didn't dare look up.

"Don't do this to yourself, Rox."

I shook my head stubbornly, already feeling tears in my eyes.

"Here."

Riku handed me a mug, and I took it by reflex. It was hot, but not hot enough to burn my fingers, and when I peered inside, I saw that it was tea. I looked up at Riku, grateful and scared and overwhelmed. My tears ran down my cheeks and I didn't move to wipe them, but Riku did, his fingers gently brushing down my skin.

"What we do is not what you need right now," he said gently, kneeling down in front of me, his voice a whisper, "it would only make things worse." He watched me carefully, waiting for my reaction, and I nodded. I couldn't keep running over to Riku whenever things got too bad. I couldn't do this to him. "But I'm here if you need me," he added, almost as an afterthought, and I nodded again, grateful. I gave him a small smile, the best I could, and he smiled back.

I was not alone.

* * *

**Hey guys!**

**Well, that was fast.**

**I am vaguely aware of two things:**

**1. Riku and Roxas' relationship is getting a whole lot more serious than I had previously hoped;**

**2. There is hardly any RikuSora in the story so far.**

**Curiously, I'm not at all bothered by the first thing. I find it quite amusing, actually. I can dream of a little RikuRoxas! haha**

**Regarding the second thing, I'll be sure to fix it by the next chapter, no worries!**

**This chapter is slightly longer than the first chapter, though I'm hoping to keep the length about this size. I'm not a big fan of long chapters, myself, because I always end up bored and pissed off halfway through (reading and/or writing them).**

**Also, I'm planning on using a sentence from a lyric at the beginning of each chapter, representing what will happen at the chapter. Initially, I had planned on using Dido's song, Thank You, that has a lovely opening line that goes like this: "My tea's gone cold and I wonder why I got out of bed at all". I found it to be more fitting that Pearl Jam's Black, however, Thank You is a happy song and we're not in a happy atmosphere yet.**

**I also would like to thank Rox3l for pointing out my grammar mistake on the previous chapter! I had read it again once, but recently I went over it again and noticed a whole lot of mistakes that had slipped through. God, I'm embarrassed. I went back and, hopefully, correct all of them, but if you guys notice something, please let me know!**

**Additionally, if any of you guys has any suggestions/criticism regarding plot, writing style, sentences that I wrote, my incredibly long ramble, my name, the color of my hair, how bad your day was and/or anything else, just let me know. I love talking to people who read my stories and I love knowing what you guys think.**

**Last but not least, all of your reviews were sooo awesome, I just wanna give a cookie to each and every one of you. I know my writing style doesn't exactly please the masses, but I was so overwhelmed by the response that I almost cried. I slept with a stupid smile on my face for the whole week! Sorry for the wait on answering the reviews, but I tend to reply only when I post a new chapter, so yeah, if you see my reply, run over here: a new chapter is up!**

**A much special thanks to the anonymous readers who do not have an account for me to reply to: The Cool one, Omegavoidfox, .Love! You guys rock my world (insert heart here)**

**And also a special thanks to my ninja readers: those who favorite / alert the story but do not leave a review. I know how much of a pain in the ass is to leave a review (I myself hate it), and it just warms my heart seeing the favorite / alert number going up!**

**So I just noticed that this was an incredibly long ramble at the end of the chapter. I need to stop…**

**So yeah! Thank you all for keeping up with the story, you guys are awesome. Talk to me!**

**Kisses and have fun!**

**Tangerine.**


	3. Make this go on forever

**Desire**

**Summary: **Roxas has to watch Axel with his girlfriend every day and, as he tries to keep himself together, he knows he is not alone. [AkuRoku. RikuSora].

**Disclaimer: **Roxas, Axel, Riku, Sora and all other characters belong to Square Enix. Except Pluto. Pluto belongs to Disney. Also, none of the songs stated here belong to me.

* * *

**Make this go on forever**

"_Please don't let this turn into something it's not. I can only give you everything I've got. I can't be as sorry as you think I should, but I still love you more than anyone else could. " Snow Patrol – Make this go on forever_

* * *

I scrunched my nose at the picture in front of me. It used dark colors, and overall gave a sour mood. It's not that I didn't like it. I hated it. It gave away too much of my feelings, how I was. One look at it, and it was obvious that something was wrong in my life.

I used to be able to disguise it very well. For the past expositions, I had been able to divert the attention of the dark part within me. But lately, all I could do was look away and hope that no one would notice.

"Hnnn-hum." Someone murmured behind me. I looked back, startled, and met pink and pale skin and a secret smile.

"Hey, Marly," I said, smiling and hoping that he wouldn't notice how strained I was. His blue eyes, however, didn't meet mine, and stayed on the picture.

"You used to paint good things, Rox, but now it looks really gloomy," he said pensively before adding, "and while we're here, it's President."

I snorted and quickly looked back to the picture. Marluxia was good, he could read the mood from a picture, but I was pretty sure even an amateur could see that something was off. "Well. I guess I have been in a bad mood."

"You shouldn't skip practices so much," he said, pulling a stool and sitting on it. "A painting should reflex what's within the artist, but it should also do it gracefully. You're pouring too much of yourself in it."

"Just say it sucks, Marly, I won't be offended," I offered, and he smiled at me. I noticed how clear his eyes were, like a summer day. When I looked at the mirror this morning, my eyes were clouded, like a storm was coming. There was this feeling in the back of my mind, like a tamed fear, that I was reminded constantly but didn't really turn into a priority. I was dreading each minute. A storm was coming.

"It doesn't, Rox. But it makes the viewer feels sad. You've always been reserved. Do you really want to share it with everyone?" He asked, half rhetorically, half serious.

I didn't. But then again, there was nothing else I could paint.

Marluxia patted my head lightly as he got up. "Think about it. You have one month. I'm sure you'll come up with something brighter."

As he left me alone to my thoughts, I noticed vaguely that he hadn't offered help with my problems. Oddly enough, I was glad for it.

* * *

Later that day, I went over to Sora's house along with my mother. My aunt and she were in the kitchen gossiping about nothing important and baking cookies while I was lying on the couch reading a book and Sora was sitting on the floor playing video games.

There was something off with him that I noticed immediately after I saw him. His too blue eyes were looking everywhere and anywhere but me. His voice was strained, and he was more fidgety than usual. I eyed him suspiciously, but didn't say anything about it because my mind was already too full with my own problems.

It was calm and quite. I decided not to think about the painting or the expo or Riku and Axel and everything that my mind was screaming at me. I needed a break, so I just threw myself in the world that the book offered me. I was kind of disconnected from the reality, the only thing holding my ground being the familiar sweet scent of chocolate and vanilla slowly filling the air. It was comfortable and reminded me of home.

That is, until Sora's voice brought me back.

"Hey, Rox?" He asked quietly, and I hummed to show him that I was listening, though my mind was still far away. "Can I ask you a question?"

"You already did," I retorted, turning a page. I stopped listening to the sound of his fingers smashing buttons, so I lowered the book and found his eyes on me. "I'm kidding, Sora. Shoot it", I said, rolling my eyes and grinning a little.

Sora's eyes stayed on me for a while, as if searching for something even though he wasn't sure what it was. I was quiet, just looking back at him, waiting for him to say something. I suddenly remembered the nagging feeling in the back of my mind. There was something dark and sinister just waiting to crawl out and turn my whole life upside down. Looking in the blue of Sora's eyes, my blue, I knew that it was him, and my stomach turned cold.

"How did you know you were gay?"

I stared at him for what felt like an eternity, but I knew it was really just a few seconds. I slowly went back to my book, thinking on all the variables of his question. Why he was asking this, where he wanted to go. None of the outcomes was looking good. Sora usually didn't ask why, he simply did things. So to see him question something, I knew it was something big.

I didn't want to face him and see where this was going. I wished we could have this conversation through letters, telepathy, hand signs, anything that prevented him from looking at me and knowing that he was pushing all the right buttons to turn my whole life into chaos. How ironic that it all came to this. Sora had my whole life twirled around his finger, just like Axel.

"How did you know you were straight?" I asked back, feeling a certain sense of proudness in realizing that my voice didn't stutter.

Sora was quiet for a while, the silent tune of the video game reaching my ears. I tried to read the same paragraph three, four, five times, but nothing came through. I started with "That day" and ended up at "forever" without knowing what was in between. But the book was talking to me. That day would change things forever. I just wasn't seeing the signs.

"How did you know you were in love with Axel?"

"How did you know you were in love with Kairi?" I shot back again, a little more annoyed than I had hoped. I put my book down in the process, glaring at Sora as if to protect myself. But he didn't flinch or look away. He bit his lips instead, in a guilty manner.

"I don't," he said back, and I wouldn't have heard him if I wasn't paying such close attention. I eyed him suspiciously, and he looked down at his lap, the video game control in his limp hands. "I don't know if I love her. I think I don't." There was a deep breath in the room, I didn't know if it was his or mine or both of us, but I was holding my breath. If I let it go, I would shatter everything, so I didn't. I held my breath for dear life, thinking that I could stop time, too, and go back to before this conversation.

There was something weird about me and Sora. I could read him like an open book. He was just me as I was him. We were connected, I knew it, even though we weren't brothers. But he was my blood, and I was his, and everything he felt, I felt too. I knew where this was going. I had this coming.

"Rox…" Sora said pleadingly, his eyes on me like I held all the answers to life and death and everything in between. I didn't. "Rox, I think I'm in love with Riku."

I stood up suddenly. My body was frozen but my mind was a million miles per hour. I saw the past and the future and every outcome to this situation. My book fell on the floor but there was no sound. Sora moved his mouth but he was mute. The air smelled burnt and my legs were jelly. I let go of my breath, exhaling everything that I had. Sora was on the floor still, and I was past him in an instant. I didn't know if someone called out to me when I was going out of the door or if it was something that I imagined, or something that I was hoping. There is such a thin line between imagination and hope. I hoped Axel would love me, but deep down I just imagined that I would be able to support him through his life, because imagination had a hint of reality, and hope was everything we knew wouldn't come true.

My mind was suddenly blank with a million thoughts, and my body went on auto pilot. I didn't know how but I knew why. I looked up and saw Riku's familiar house.

When I rang the doorbell, Namine opened the door. I started noticing vague details, like how the white dress she was wearing looked extremely cute on her, and how her hair was tied up in a high ponytail, showing how small her face was. She smiled brightly when she saw me, her teeth white and her eyes almost translucent. She looked like a big white painting, a monochrome of pureness. She was familiar, like home, and I was instantly calmer. "Hey, Rox. Long time no see!"

It amazed me how natural I was when I answered her. "Yeah, don't mention it. I think you are even a bit taller."

She chuckled lowly, stepping aside so I could come in. "Riku is upstairs. I think he's sleeping but he won't mind if you wake him up."

"Thanks, Nami," I waved at her and got up the stairs with surprising calm, one step at a time. I stopped right in front of Riku's door, the dark wood right in front of me, and I took a deep breath before going in without knocking.

Riku was on the bed but he wasn't sleeping like Namine said. He looked up from his pillow, blinking once in confusion before giving me a small smile. "Hey, Rox. Fancy seeing you here."

"Yeah, yeah," I replied mockingly, walking over to his bed, across his annoyingly neat room, and flopped down on his side before being invited. "Nami said you were sleeping."

"I was," he replied with fake annoyance, moving over to give me more room, "but you did the favor of waking me up by ringing the freaking doorbell." He elbowed me on the ribs and I squirmed lightly, shoving him a bit. "No one invited you."

"I know you always want to see me," I teased him lightly, looking up at the white ceiling. My eyes had no stimulation whatsoever, and my mind was starting to take over. I remember everything that happened from morning until now, and my fingers tingled with uneasiness.

It was weird. Riku was mine and I was his, and everything else was unimaginable, but in the end we were just looking at each other and imagining that we were different people. I knew I would lose him eventually, but I didn't want to lose him, and now that the moment had arrived, I realized how much I had been dreading it.

"Did you come here just to think?" He asked lowly beside me, jokingly, but I knew him well, and deep down he was asking me what was wrong. I felt so selfish, and I hated myself for it. I didn't want to tell him that he had a chance with Sora, that Sora could be his if he wanted to. I didn't want to be alone.

"No. I was bored." I lied and hoped that he hadn't noticed it, but deep down I knew he had. But he was kind enough not to press any further. "Tell me something," I demanded.

"Tell you what?"

"Anything."

"Anything? That's a little vague," he said, looking at the ceiling, too.

"Tell me something you have never told anyone before." It was a stupid request, because I knew all of Riku's secrets. I mean, everything that he wanted to share. If he had anything else, it was too personal even for me, and he wouldn't tell me even if I asked him to.

He was quiet for a while. I noticed that his breaths were matching mine, and I felt extremely relaxed then, and for a second I forgot I had asked a question, or why I was there or what I wanted to get from him.

"Did you know," he started, bringing me back to reality, "that tortoiseshell is stronger than titanium?"

"Oh," I said, suddenly amazed by the fact. I let it roll on my mind, the randomness of it consuming me whole, until I frowned. "Hey, that's not true!"

He chuckled beside me, the sound familiar like home. "I know. That's why I have never told this to anyone before."

"You're lame," I said, pretending to be offended, but my laughter betrayed me. "Since we're talking about animal facts, did you know that an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain?"

"You're kidding."

"I'm not. Seriously. Bigger than its brain," I repeated, enjoying the distraction from the chaos that was unrolling.

"Seriously?" He asked, a bit incredulous still, and I nodded. "Do you think they are less mentally capable than the other animals?"

I laughed out loud at his question. "Are you politely asking if ostriches are dumb?"

He shrugged meekly, the motion making his should brush against mine. "You know. I didn't want to offend them."

"I'm sure they won't be offended. They are probably somewhat clever. You know, Darwin's survival of the fittest and all."

He hummed beside me, and we fell back into a comfortable silence. How many times had I come to his bedroom like this, looking for an escape, and how every time he had successfully given me one? I knew why I was afraid to lose him, it was so obvious. But I was cruel to deprive him from this. He wanted Sora, and now Sora wanted him. How selfish I was to keep them apart?

"Riku," I called softly, half thorn between telling him about Sora and not telling him about it. But most of all, I just wanted to call his name. He hummed beside me, his timber low. He sounded like he was about to fall asleep. "I've been thinking… Maybe love is like dessert."

I looked over at him, and he popped his eyes open, looking at me as well. He had a hint of entertainment in his eyes, and bit his lip hard to keep from laughing. "Now that's random."

I smirked. "Yeah. But it is, isn't it? I mean, it tastes good but it's bad if you have it."

He smiled at me, a knowing smile, and his warm hand brushed away my hair. I closed my eyes at the familiarity, letting out my breath through my mouth. I was this close to telling him. But I wanted one last time. To crawl into the memory and keep it with me forever, to live knowing that I would be safe if I thought that Riku was kind enough to take me away with him. He was my rock, my best friend, my ally, and everything that I wanted in a person, and I wanted so much to love him.

I opened my eyes and saw aquamarine, not chrysolite. I wanted this time to be ours, forever, in a way that I wouldn't wrong him anymore. I did this because Axel didn't love me, but I also did this because he was Riku, my Riku, and I cared about him enough to know that I hurt him in more ways that I imagined.

When I kissed him, I noticed little things that I hadn't before, like the way he held his breath when our lips touched, and the way he always asked for permission before entering my mouth. He tasted faintly of mint, a taste that was always there, like it was his, and I instantly relaxed. His warm tongue traced mine, and I responded lightly before throwing one leg over his side and climbing on top of him. I was supporting myself on hands and knees and his hands were on my hips, his thumbs brushing my skin where my shirt didn't quite meet my pants.

We kissed delicately for what felt like an eternity. I was focused solely on that, his warm breath brushing my skin and our tongues dancing slowly. He hooked his thumbs inside my jeans and I hummed approvingly, lowering myself on my elbows, our chests touching. There was only him and I, right now, and nothing else mattered. My fingers weaved through his hair and I clutched lightly, feeling its softness. His breath got caught on his throat and I smiled a bit, liking the effect I had on him. His fingers circled my waist, slowly, and soon found the button of my jeans. It popped quietly, and I didn't even register the zipper sound. He teased the hem of my underwear for a while, but I didn't mind. This time, this last time, I wanted us to take it slow. I wanted to savor each minute, every second, every movement from his skilled hands that always held me gently.

I pulled my head back slightly, our tongues still meeting halfway. He moved to my ears, my neck, giving light kisses and soft bites. My breath was heavy and strained, and he touched his right hand to my left thigh, hiking it up against his body. His right hand stayed on my thigh, his thumb caressing me gently in small circles as his left hand entered my underwear, finding me sensitive and aroused and trembling. He stroked gently once, squeezing gradually, and I moaned quietly before kissing him again. I was amazed at how sweet he was, without the urgency that usually overtook us. I was happy and content and finally settling down.

Until the door opened.

I registered the sound of the door and a sharp intake of breath, but my body was slow and languid from the things Riku was doing to me, and I suppose he was too, as well, because he took a while to stop kissing me, and his hand was still inside my underwear, gripping me gently. We looked sideways at the same time, every movement feeling very dreamlike, before finally pulling me back to reality when I saw red and green and everything that I dreaded.

"What-…" Axel started a bit loudly before Riku cut him off.

"Don't yell. And close the door. Namine is downstairs, don't you dare let her listen to this." Riku was a quick thinker, and he pulled his hands away from me like I was on fire before sitting up a bit clumsily. I merely stayed there, too shocked to say or do anything. It was weird, I wasn't panicking and everything felt distant, like it was happening to someone else, not to me. I vaguely wondered if the fear in the back of mind was really Sora, or if it was this moment, where everything came crashing down.

Axel didn't close the door, but he did lower his voice. "Don't worry. I don't plan on staying long," his voice was like a bucket of ice on my head, and when my eyes met his, my entire body froze. I had never seen Axel with that expression before. It was hatred and betrayal and so many other things that I couldn't quite catch.

"Axel, it's not…" Riku started, but this time Axel cut him off.

"What? Not what it looks like? Because I think it is exactly what it looks like." I was surprised at how steady his voice was. I thought he would be screaming by now. I kind of hoped he was screaming, because then it would mean that this was the worse he would do. "It looks like you two are fucking behind my back." I winced at the way he said 'fucking', like it was a cursed thing he didn't want to associate with.

"Axel." Riku said just as serious as Axel was, but his word carried more than he could say, but Axel didn't want to hear it. He turned on his heels and, before going away, looked back. I registered instantly that he was not looking at Riku or at both of us, but at me, specifically, his eyes like sharp needles on my skin.

"Sorry I interrupted. I hope you two have fun."

I blinked. One moment he was there, the next he wasn't.

Riku touched my shoulders gently and started, "Rox…", but I didn't let him finish. It looked like we were all cutting each other off today. I shook my head and slowly got up from the bed. I wasn't sad or depressed or anything anymore. My body was light. A secret I had kept so long from Axel was now out in the open. I walked a few steps before turning around to face Riku. He was looking at me with a worried expression. I think he was afraid of what I might do; like that time we first started doing this. How ironic that we were back at square one.

"You should talk to Sora," I offered, and I knew that, to him, Sora didn't fit into this situation at all, but he was as much part of it as we all were, even though he wasn't so aware of it.

I nodded once before exiting the room, leaving behind everything I was familiar with.

* * *

**Hello, all!**

**Back after a bit of a time out. I hope you have all enjoyed it.**

**I've been dying to write this last scene between the three of them, and I'm quite satisfied with the outcome.**

**I promise you all the next chapter will come faster!**

**Last but not least, many special thanks to my anonymous readers: RelivetheGreat, .Love, Ashley, Sky-hope and Guest. Identified readers have been thanked appropriately through PM, as always (L).**

**You guys rock my world.**

**Kisses and hugs,**

**Tangerine.**


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